It’s ten past 8, I’m in the bathroom, I pull the last piece of loo roll off the holder and, well yes, use it for the purpose for which it has been lovingly designed and crafted, then waddle with my shorts around my ankles (yes, smirk, but I bet you do it too) across to the cupboard where I keep the toilet paper and all that kind of stuff - and it is empty, bereft of bottom-wiping material. Thankfully, there are 6 paper hankies so I’m okay, “I’ll buy some tomorrow”, I think to myself, smile at the situation and then suddenly I remember - tomorrow is Christi Himmelfahrt, or “Ascension”, as my mother insists on calling it. All the shops will be closed. And note this well, not-living-in-Germany-reader, that means absolutely all the shops are 100% closed/geschlossen from 8p.m. tonight (at the latest) until Friday morning, from the smallest kiosk to the biggest hypermarket. Okay, I lie, petrol stations will stay open. Do German petrol stations sell loo paper? They sell beer and whisky, but what about other essentials? I’d better go now and find out.
11pm Update: I went to my local Shell station and …it’s been demolished. Gone. Bulldozed. I obviously aren’t making enough late-night emergency puchases to keep up with what’s going on in my neighbourhood, although I did buy a bottle of Sekt there about 2 weeks ago.
I did momentarily consider going to a kebab shop and asking for lots of serviettes, but I found an AVIA that didn’t sell loo paper, but did sell moist wipes, so now I get to be Camomile-fresh. Splendid.
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