“Setzen Sie sich”, the tutor said, pointing to the last available chair in the group as I burst through the door a few minutes late for the first class. I’d only been in Germany for about 6 weeks and had signed up for this course at the local community centre.
I’d learnt some German words; “Fisch” meant fish, “Bier” was beer and “Auto” was car. I’d eventually work out that they drove on the wrong side of the road too. But I hadn’t just learnt the shorter words, oh no. I knew what Schadenfreude, Zeitgeist and Kindergarten meant as well. I was, in short, ready for the beginners to intermediate class.
After I sat down, the tutor pointed to the man next to me (we 10 students were sitting on chairs arranged in a circle). He stood up and gave a short description of himself in German and I have to say my emotions ranged between being bowled over (this guy was damned good) and self doubt (there was no way in hell I could speak like that), he sounded like a native, he could do the Swabian accent and in fact, I hadn’t got a clue what he was on about after his opening few words “Hallo, mein Name ist Jens und ich …..” however after he finished his 5 minute monologue and sat down, everyone else clapped, so at least I wasn’t the only one who was impressed.
The tutor pointed to me and the “go around the circle introducing yourselves” first class ritual continued. I stood up and started to try to speak in German…
“Hallo, ick, erm heisse (Name)”
“Ick, erm, well, ick komme aus England”
“bin 24 Jahre oder Jahren. Erm. Jahre alt.”
“Und bin Biochemiker”. (had learnt that off by heart).
“Und, erm……”, the eyes of the tutor met mine in a hard stare.
“Sind Sie Alklischer?” She asked. I tried to deconstruct the question. “Sind Sie”, okay, Sie - formal, and asking a question. But “Alklischer”? What the hell was an Alklischer?
She asked me again, more slowly this time; “sind Sie Alkoholiker?” I was nervous and embarrassed, my face was red, I was sweating and my hands were trembling.
The tutor switched to English, “This is the Anonymous Alcoholics , German for Foreigners is in the room to our left.”
I left immediately and went to the English-speaking pub for a beer.
German Word For Today: “zwölf Stufen” – 12 Steps
Song playing as this was published: Fettes Brot “Jein”
It’s almost too good a story to be true - that’s hilarious! I’d have exited and died in the corridor from the mortification of it.
I’m now wondering how often the opposite might have happened: that people looking for AA groups have accidentally stumbled into my English classes, and then have just stayed. That would explain a lot about so many of the students I’ve had…
You are great, you made me laugh so much! I’m so happy you added #1, this means you have more stories about learning German to tell us, ich kann kaum erwarten
That’s classic. The only people I ever met at those German classes at the VHS we’re illegal maids from the Baltic countries - and that one Australian … but I digress.
Stairs:Entirely t rue I’m afraid, maybe it might have been a tad more sensible to learn at least some German before coming to live here.
David: That was just Iceland though, right?
Liseuse: That 1st year provided loads of little misunderstandings. An I promise to do the “draufwichsen” story sometime….
Karl: The real course was worse than useless. And there were loads of East European girls who worked as Au Pairs / Prostitutes (I swear, not just from the way they dressed, but from the vocabularly they wanted to learn too).
In-Act, how did the teacher react to the prostitutes’ request of such vocabulary???
Oh, dear, oh, dear:D:D:D
Lisa: I can’t remember any specific stories, so it can’t have been too bad. I do remember that the teacher wasn’t very good, she had a rigid lesson plan that ignored the fact that we lived in Germany and the majority of the students were being exposed to German all the time, not just for 2 hours on a Wednesday evening. We were obviously learning words outside the classroom - the Au Pairs used words like Bügeleisen or Wickeltisch that no one else in the class knew, I talked about Frösche und Pinzetten, and the two Czech girls talked about Klienten - and left the evening class half an hour early to go to work wearing plastic miniskirts.
I only went aout 8 times, it was wasting my time and I had an Anglistin/Germanistin at home.
that is absolutely hilarious!!!
i’m increasingly convinced about your life making a good film (especially with a name like yours).
Oh My! Tee hee. Gotta go and have a drink of water now.
You didn’t notice many teachers in the AA class, did you? As an English teacher abroad, I can well remember waking up once (only once, mind) with an awful hangover and rushing to school late for my first class of the day. I bundled into what I thought was the right room and went straight into automatic pilot. Only later did I realise that it was the wrong class! there had been a room change, but I wasn’t aware of it… Quite embarassing, really.
I love that the words you learned first were those which, I surmised, are important to you. Bier, Auto und Fisch!
Funny ancecdote, by the way! haha and I thought you were only in the wrong level of German class. haha.
OK, now THAT was awesome.
Not that I’m a complete illiterate, but…
What are Bugeleisen or Wickeltisch? Babelfish helpfully translates the first as “Nose-quiet”, and the second as “tabletable table”.
But then I assumed “Frösche und Pinzetten” meant fresh and pints respectively (and no pointing out which unit they measure beer by in Germany).
Bügeleisen - Iron (of the to make clothes crease-free variety).
Wickeltisch - A table specially designed to lay a baby on when one is changing it’s nappy. Usually with mobile/heating element above it.
I love this story. I keep coming back to read it and laugh again! Great writing too (ie., the details about shaking hands, sweating when you were supposed to admit you’re an alcoholic). OK, I’m off into another paroxysm of guffaws