“Zeugen Jehovahs“
Okay, it’s an easy one - “Jehovah’s Witnesses”, but what do you do when you find yourself on your doorstep talking to two of them? I could follow the example of my father who, when asked “If there was one thing that God could change in the world for you, what would it be?” replied “That I wasn’t standing here talking to you two half-wits.” And God fulfilled his wish and they left. But I found it hard to be rude to a couple of ladies who were at least in their late 50s, and they showed me a quite dated broschure which asked me “Elektronische Spiele — Haben sie Schattenseiten?” / Computer games - do they have a dark side? I could at this point say that I’d been playing some Star Wars spin-off game, but it would be a very cheap gag and untrue - I was doing the laundry. The problem I have with Jehovah’s Witnesses is that they break my fundamental rule of “I don’t care what you believe in or what you do - on the condition it harms no-one else, just leave me the hell alone”.
So how to get rid of them? I politely pointed out that “I’m very sorry, but I’m Jewish and aren’t interested.” Now I’m sure they’ve heard loads of reasons why people don’t want to speak to them and have a range of “But wait…..” responses. That seemed to be a new one to them though and they left without saying anything. Best of all, you don’t even have to be Jewish to do it, merely being a willing tool of the international Zionist conspiracy and being able to lie, perhaps overplay the fact that you were in JSoc for a year at university, will do.
Note of caution: This only works with Jehovah’s Witnesses - if a young man with extremely short hair, 18-hole boots and a swastika tattooed on his forehead grunts at you to sign a petition stating that the NPD isn’t really an extremist group and shouldn’t be banned this is not a good thing to say. Also on the no-no list is “I’m sorry, I’m a foreigner, my German’s not so good and I can’t understand what you’re saying, could you repeat that more slowly please?” The second-best tactic to adopt when meeting such a character is to say, in your very best German, “I can’t sign your petition because I’m too stupid to have learned to write my own name” - he will think you’re one of his own little group and let you pass.
Song playing as this was published: The Smashing Pumpkins - “Tonight, Tonight”
I definitely love your dad
Saying you are a satan worshiper goes down well with Jehovah Witnesses. So does the crude but effective ‘Fook off’…….I suspect your dad was a diplomat
Wierd thing I have found with German right wing skinheads is that they actually quite like English people. I had a habit of bumping into a group when I was out drinking when I lived in Darmstadt…. they were so intellectually challenged, it was unreal.
please please please tell me that skinheads are not really out asking people to sign petitions, and that that was just a joke…
R: There is very little about fanatics (of the right or left wing persuasion) to be taken seriously here. I’ve only been mugged once - at knifepoint by six skinheads - in England. They are worthy of nothing but my derision. Haddock does mention something above that’s true though, German skinheads actually do seem to like English people. At least until you mention that your equally English girlfriend has brown skin.
I have seen people collecting signatures against the NPD-Verbot in Karlsruhe though……
Those adorable old JWs have been coming around to our house for ages. I used to enjoy arguing with them, but finally got annoyed and just said “Look, both you and I know that there IS no God.” I don’t know why that did it but they scuttled off in a hurry never to be seen again. But they won’t give up. Their newest plan is to send visiting American JWs to our place once a year because some kind soul has tipped them off that there are English speakers to be found within the castle walls. I just straight out lie to them in my best German and they go away very confused.
I don’t EVER mess with skinheads. In fact I don’t even open my mouth when they’re around.
I hear the best response is to tell them you were a former JW but that you were expelled for heresy. If there’s anyone JW are forbidden to talk to, it’s excommunicated JW members.
Hehehe…the Jehovahs Witnesses came to my flat and I told them I didn’t speak German. So they went away…
…and came back a week later with their brochures in English!!! My dad usually tells them he is a Marxist-Leninist and that usually makes them go away.
As for skinheads, I only ever see them in Berlin when BFC Dynamo are playing, or ocassionally on the S-Bahn. I can’t imagine they would go door to door here to get signatures, although maybe in Lichtenberg or Marzahn or some of the other eastern distrícts.
P: I met the skinhead/NPD guy at Karlsruhe Hauptbahnhof, just standing there, it was a few years ago now though… If a group of anti-Faschos had seen him, he’d have been in for a
good kickingearnest discussion.