I think I’ve already mentioned the erotic potential of dentistry (look, just bear with me on this one) before.
I have a new dentist – a somewhat older gentleman. He does however have two very attractive young assistants.
So, everything’s fine then – you’re (in your mind at least) handsome, charming, witty and lying there on the chair, the dentist has left the room to let the novocaine work and attractive assistant number 1 who has definitely (no, really) been flirting with you is sitting next to you – is she brushing against your arm? I think she is! – She’s looking down at you with huge brown eyes. Now is the moment to move from all that innocent chitchat to see what she’s doing this weekend….
“Mmhuh griunh hut jak?” I ask, lips and facial muscles not working quite as well as usual, but I think my natural style must have worked.
She merely smiles, turns on that suction machine and uses it to vacuum up a huge puddle of drool that’s somehow formed on my chin.
Undeterred, I move on to my next, sure-fire line. But before I can manage to say it (which would, admittedly, have taken about three hours before she actually comprehended what I meant), she’s fastened some kind of medieval-style brace to hold my mouth open, killing the conversation just as it was getting started.
Over the course of the next two or so hours I’m subjected to a conversation that would make the dialogue writer of the worst Australian daytime soap opera cringe.
“Oh dentist, the 26 and 27 you did yesterday are wonderful, it’s like a masterpiece with your signature on it.”*
“Yes, they are rather good aren’t they? There aren’t many dentists that can do work like that, but I couldn’t do it without you; you’re so much more than just a helper. Tamp, please.”*
I’d have sat open-mouthed even if that brace gave me no choice in the matter.
I complained afterwards that I felt nauseous. “You’ve probably just swallowed a lot of blood.” He explained.
I wouldn’t mind, but I have another two and a half hour appointment tomorrow afternoon and I’m not sure if I’ll manage not to vomit if they carry on like that again.
*I swear that’s how the conversation started – as word perfect as I can remember. I tried to ignore as much as possible, but it was pretty much a constant barrage of “No, you’re wonderful, look at how you hold that clamp.”
German Word For Today: “Zahnarzthelferin” - Darling
Song playing as this was published: Ben Lee “Nothing Much Happens”
“Mmhuh griunh hut jak?”
English? German? Tagalog?
And have you ever gone a whole year without something gruesomely painful happening? Or is not this year’s entry (after all it’s on mid January)?
I’ll be doing well on the whole making sense thing today. Add it/this/-ly as necessary.
Anyhoo: It’s the language of seduction, baby. Look, I bought this book from the internet and it said, well I can’t tell you the secret.
Actually, the dentistry is not a bad thing - I’ve worked out / discovered that my private health insurance will pay for cosmetic changes until February 15th, so I’m getting my third world NHS teeth improved. They’re doing it in quadrants, so at the moment half of my teeth would make Julia Roberts envious, the other half are, er, less impressive…
When I go to the Dentist the assistant always flirts with me also - I think his name is Bob!
Haddock: Ho! Ho!
Maybe I’ll get attractive assistant number two tomorrow and she won’t fancy the dentist?
No way, man, it’s pure power worship. You should wear your lab coat in next time and see if that has anything to do with it. Hey baby, I’m a scientist. Want to see my test tube? How about my two-headed tadpole? Rrrrrrooowwwww . . . .
In-law: Sure! “Want to come back to the lab and have a look at my tadpoles - they glow in the dark?” That’s a winner!
My driving instructor had a wisdom tooth pulled out the other night. By his girlfriend, she being a Zahnarzthelferin. It wasn’t some strange kinky sex thing, I think he needed it doing and getting it done at home was just to save money. But he was in a great deal of pain today. Haha. His mother gets one of hers removed tomorrow. Seems to be the time of year for it.
Daggi: “It wasn’t some strange kinky sex thing.” That’s the sort of thing I would say too. It’s like, “But officer, the animals were already distressed.”
I’m with the in-law on the white lab coat thing. That or military uniforms. Better yet: army doctor….mmmmm.
My dentist has some “looker” Assi’s too. I have felt the brush against the arm thing. Very erotic. But when I’m laying there with my head back and mouth clamped so wide open that it looks like a vagina about to give birth to a 20lb baby—not to mention the fact that dental assistant beauty queen can view the hairs inside my nose—I’m thinking to myself, “Christ, this has to be an ugly picture…don’t bother.”
You got balls for even trying man.
EasyJetsetter: What about the Air Force, eh, eh?
Duncan: Look, I don’t care; a woman who pushes her, er, breasts against your chest for three hours and then as you’re leaving asks “what are you doing next week?” is bound to get my attention.
Of course, she had to follow it up with a “because we have a free appointment on Monday afternoon, we could do that Würzelbehandlung.”
Welcome back, by the way….
You’re sure there is something like an ATTRACTIVE Zahnarzthelferin? Never happened to me…
[…] As for white lab coats being a turn-off, I will merely point you in the direction of this comments section (although admittedly that might just be graduates of UNC Chapel […]