When you’ve been in a long-term relationship that’s broken down and you’re starting a new one it’s important that you move on and put the old one behind you. That’s not always true when she lives just around the corner from you – the bitch almost ran me over a few weeks ago, so in that kind of case, keep your eyes open. But psychologically speaking, one has to let go.
Quite often one reads personal ads from women looking for “a tall, devastatingly handsome, witty and intelligent German-speaking Englishman” and I always pass them on to single friends I know who are like that. They always also state, “free from baggage of previous relationships.” This is where it gets tricky for me – my German ex-girlfriend bought me a complete set of luggage – but I think sometimes they’re referring to emotional attachment to the previous relationship. If you were in a relationship with someone for almost a decade it takes a while to start saying “I”, rather than “we”, but with a new girl one finds oneself altering sentences half-way though so as not to mention “her” again: “Oh Vienna? I went on holiday there with……er, er, Austrian Airlines.”
It’s important that when she finally visits your place of abode, you keep the door to the room with the shrine to The One, firmly closed. Take down at least most of her photographs and for God’s sake hide those home videos.
It’s now been long enough that I’ve decided to get rid of the majority of stuff that I was holding on to for sentimental reasons – the three packing cartons that were in my attic. I cautiously opened the first one, expecting my emotions to overwhelm me. After staring, still and silent for some time I thought, “Why the hell did I keep all this crap?”
I mean, the first was a box full of rocks! Rocks from when we went fossil hunting together and which we decided were of no aesthetic value. I’m glad I kept that and carried the box in the three moves I’ve made since then. Tubes of sugar from cafés which have a four digit Postleitzahl on them. In short, three boxes of junk. Well almost; there’s also nine or so years worth of letters and photographs representing that quite large portion of my life. I don’t think I’ll be throwing those away. Well, except the ones I burnt, obviously.
German Word For Today: “Was übrig bleibt” - Memories, Photos, Letters, Rocks
Song playing as this was published: Portishead “Numb”
It IS difficult to get rid of this emotional “Ballast”. I keep everything, except, of course, stones, which I never collected my some ex boyfriend
)
Ciao In-Act, is it very cold up there?
I have trouble remembering names, let alone hanging onto stuff. I was never one for keeping stuff as I have always subscibed to the ethos of travelling light. But I guess after 10 years you are bound to accomodate a fair bit of baggage.
Liseuse: It just took some time to work out what was important (after all it was my life too - I didn’t want to forget all the fun things I did), just lose the er, rocks.
It was somewhere near minus 20 nights last week but a balmy -12°C last night now at noon, it’s -5.2. I guess it’s not warm there either?
Good to hear from you again, by the way!
Hadddock: Carrying a packing case full of rocks is not “travelling light”. I don’t know what I was thinking - I just put the boxes in the attic labelled “do not open yet, contents may cause you to stay up all night listening to dodgy music and drinking banana liqueuer!”
Despite having a pretty serious relationship inbetween they just sat there - until I had to empty the attic.
A full set of luggage? Wie praktisch!
I am a packrat too… even worse when it comes to the remnants of old relationships. I had to laugh out loud at the box of rocks, it’s just like something I would save.
Keep your eyes open on the street, I would hate for you to get run down by the “baggage” of your past…
not that susie: Well I have to admit there were two rocks with special significance that I couldn’t throw away. They do actually look quite good - it’s sheet shale and the fossils in them have a golden tinge - worth working on. But they are thankfully now, just rocks……
I have one of those 10 year ex’s also. We do not communicate at all, not because we are bitter but because we both have a new life now and don’t want to infringe. In my case, I married the girl I found after that and it was a very good decision.
820: No, no contact here either, which I occasionally regret when I have a sudden pang of how that person you shared so many plans with is getting on. But then you turn the page to the next article in playboy and it passes…
I have a tendency to abandon any possessions / furniture / houses connected with a given relationship in a kind of nuke-it-from-orbit approach, though this has left me with relatively little in the way of possessions, furniture, etc (I could probably piece together an album of old bank statements, mind you).
I’ve kept a few things given to me by girls I had briefer associations with (no, no, I don’t mean the kind of ‘things’ that require medical treatment) but that was because the items are in themselves useful or just amusing…
leon: To be honest after that long together, reducing it down to three packing cases was pretty much the nuke it / saw it in half option (do you know how hard an engine block is to chop up? It would have been easier just to sell the car and split the cash - I’m not even talking about houses).
Bizarrely, the one thing that really annoys me is the CD collection - I, for some inexplicable reason, wanted to listen to Dummy by Portishead last night. I know I bought the CD, I just forgot I gave it to her as a present. Thank god for BitTorrent. I mean legal music download sites.
I think that there is nothing wrong holding a corner of your brain out for previous significant others. Every once in a while, I think about my ex, who was charming, pursued me relentlessly, and ended up being a total asshole. Once you give your heart to someone, it’s hard to get it all back. The important thing, however, is realising the differences in the new sigoth–my boyfriend now is maybe not quite as charming, but is funnier, respects me, and loves me with his whole heart. I value the first for some good lessons, but I adore the current because he can teach me things without destroying my life.
I would toss the box of rocks or better trade the box of rocks for some sox you could give to a fox by the docks in excahnge for fresh lox.
that’s exchange
In-Law: Actually it’s about DM250,000, or exchange.
As you said, I’m not going to forget all the bad times, but it’s not exactly something I’d go back to…
This is the problem with giving people gifts that you secretly are too cheap to buy for yourself. Sometimes they keep them and don’t let you use them. Buy people stuff they want and buy yourself stuff you want. Much easier.
EasyJetsetter: Cheap, me? I feel speared by a lance of unfairness to my very heart. I do write my name on the CDs I buy now though….
“Please check your bags at the door” eh? I’ve chucked (or burned, more like) all the stuff from bad relationships, but there are certain things from good relationships (or one, anyway) that I’ll never be persuaded to throw away.
Am I to understand you correctly? Your ex is the “bitch that lives around the corner” and she almost “run you over”? Dude…this is no time to be sentimental. NUKE it ALL.
Duncan: This might be a combination of two women I’m talking about here , one who I lived with for ten years and one I dated for a year. I don’t like to be too specific in such posts (I can see the IP addresses of the readers). Rest assured that the girl who has just passed her driving test (and we split up because she slept with her driving instructor) that got the full nuclear option.
The other, I got on with quite well afterwards, six months after we split up we decided to stop talking to one another “otherwise we’d end up getting back together” - perverse logic perhaps, but the best choice. That stuff got more of an, er, sub-strategic strike - as I believe they’re calling it these days…… I was mostly just shocked I’d schlepped a box of rocks around with me without looking what was inside that was so damned heavy.
I’ve made that kind of not-looking-in-the-box error as well, resulting in me painstakingly transporting around things like old junk mail and bottles of cleaning products while abandoning valuable possessions, losing expensive-to-replace bits of musical instruments etc.
Leon: What I’ve also found whilst going through boxes of stuff is five examples of something you only need one of - I couldn’t find it, so bought a new one, then put it in a box, couldn’t find it etc…..
Yes, I know the feeling. Although it does throw up occasional consolations, as when a desultory rummage through a still-unpacked box at my new place - I was suffering from a heavy cold, and was bored - revealed an unopened tube of chewable vitamin C (plus zinc)!
Hmm, perhaps I need a more exciting life.
Somewhere I know I still have a box of “stuff”. I guess when we move later this year I will have to decide then whether or not it stays or goes.