Or “Utterly Useless Tips For The Pathetically Single #157”
In Germany, at the end of every single TV advertisement for a product that might be sold at a pharmacist, be it medicated shampoo, cough lotion or the latest opiate derivative a warning appears and is read out: “Zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker.” Of course, they read it out incredibly quickly because they’re paying for the advertising time and time is a concept that physicists are still arguing about a definition of - or money, to be clichéd.
It translates roughly as “Read the information leaflet provided with the product and ask your doctor or pharmacist about risks and side-effects.”
Now I’m not sure if anyone actually does this. Wait, this is Germany, I bet loads of people do - even I’ve started to read the information leaflet. So there I was on Tuesday quickly scanning through the info sheet for some newly prescribed drugs.
“Increases the effects of alcohol.” – Yes! Cheap Friday nights!
“One in ten chance of liver failure.” – Blah, blah! Yada, yada!
“Breakdown of the menstrual cycle.” – Whatever, I was having problems in that area anyway.
“Sexualstörungen bei Männern.” – What? Now, liver failure, kidney problems, heart rhythm disturbances and breathing difficulties are one thing, but a term like “sexual problems” requires me to actually read this particular paragraph thoroughly.
Frequency: more than one in ten patients. Crikey!
Side-Effect 1: “Dauererektion.” Okay, permanent erections, it’s a “turn you into a 15-year old boy” drug.
Side Effect 2: “Verzögerung des Samenergusses.” Right so, hmm, how to put this delicately? If you do get to put your Dauererektion to some use, it’s going to take much longer until you’re, er, finished. I bet the female partners of guys with problems like this are horrified. It would be the last thing they wanted. Probably. I’m tempted to sell them on E-Bay (with 20% discount to blog readers). But then I remember the “ask your doctor or pharmacist” advice, more specifically, the attractive, tall brunette at the pharmacist. I could ask her and she could explain it to me over a coffee after work. Yes, it’s a “long shot” but there’s the potential a very weak pun in this sentence just might work.
I wander down to the Apotheke with the leaflet and as I enter the shop suddenly realise this might be harder (as it were) than I’d thought; there are three people serving – “her”, an older, balding man and a friendly, matronly woman who must be nearing retirement age. “She” is serving someone. Thinking quickly, I turn and examine the display of pregnancy testing kits until the women she’s dealing with has finally (come on you old crone, get out of the way) finished checking her change. Again. I wander over to “her”, repeating in my head that I’m tall, handsome, confident and have documentary evidence in my hands of my potential sexual “problems.”
“Hi!” I say.
“You’re American?” she asks in English.
“No, I’m English.”
“Oh, I much prefer English people to Americans, but there are so many here because of the base.” Yes!
“I went to England last summer with my ex-boyfriend.”
“Ex?” Oops! Not so smooth that, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Yes!
“Yes he, er, found someone else and left me.” Yes, yes, yes!
Realising what she’s talking about, she swaps to business mode: “Now, what can I get you?”
I get out the sheet of paper and skipping over the bits about comas, heart-attacks and death I lean conspiratorially across the desk and say, “The bit about ‘Verzögerung des Samenergusses.’ – I didn’t understand it and it says it’s very, very common, but it’s not in my dictionary.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asks. German women are nothing if not direct, but I hadn’t expected things to go this well. I manage to refrain from exclaiming “Yes!” Which might just have ruined the entire plan.
“Someone like me? In Germany?” I scoff, deflecting the question, fishing for compliments and offering the potential for a “well, if you want a German girlfriend?” reply.
“Well, you’ll be fine then.” she says, “It will just take you longer to ejaculate when you masturbate by yourself.”
As I said, German women are nothing if not direct.
German Word For Today: “Apothekerin” - Ego masseuese
Song playing as this was published: The Killers “Somebody Told Me”
OMG, that is HILARIOUS.
Wonder how you followed up to THAT one?
- m.
Sparky: That’s not just shot down in flames, that’s vaporised in mid-air.
I think an open-mouth and no words coming out were the response.
Very funny but now I’m wondering if I really am that rare a creature that I actually quite enjoy reading medicine info leaflets…..
After spitting my tea all over the keyboard (again), I am utterly speechless and will have to come back later and leave a comment.
ms. mac: It just amazes me how much information they put on there - the adverts say things like “rapid relief from the symptoms of General Anxiety Disorder” and the information then says “you might die if you take these”.
(Of course, my tablets say “very slow relief”).
Christina: I want to know how many keyboards a week you get through?
That seems about par for the course when it comes to German women. Rather than have a joke played on them they fire right back - directly. Except for my wife who had problems explaining to me what a “Sack” was after we had first met. I played dumb and had a great time watching her squirm.
[…] This is funny. In Actual Fact gives tips on how to make your move in the Apotheke… Utterly Useless Tips For The Pathetically Single #157. […]
Thanks for the smile on a miserable Friday. Very funny. As for the medicine leaflets, I guess they need to be covered for every eventuality when it comes to side effects, although reading them often makes you think; “And these are going to make me better?!?”
Haha, very funny. I must remember to read those leaflets, just in case.
ahahahha the Germans!
OMG! I am sitting here laughing so hard that tears are in my eyes! Thanks for starting my day with such great humor!
With vicarious cheer, how I hoped for that moment embodied in a Hollywood ending: a shared coffee, a few sideways glances, the closing of the bedroom door, and fade to black…. Like Cristina, I almost lost a keyboard to the morning coffee. I commend you for relaying the story since I can’t imagine any American man every speaking of such a vaporization to anyone without assuming a fetal position on the floor.
I love the way they rapid-fire spit out that read the package insert on the commercials. It’s simultaneously everything I love and hate about the German language.
Ouch about the pharmacist!
Increases the effect the alcohol, gives you a permanent boner, and the ability to shag all night long!……..what is this wonder drug!!
In General: The conversation with the pharmacist has been severely truncated, her closing line is “as is/was” though.
Karl: It wasn’t a joke (I think), it was just that kind of practical, literal advice that one often receives here.
Paul: You’re welcome, and thanks for the link. I’ve got the new home up now.
Dan: For God’s sake never read the leaflet. It’ll scare you stupid.
Maribeth: Again, you’re welcome. Thanks for the positive feedback.
JCiniD: As I’ve said before, the conversation is severly truncated, but captures the change from chatty and friendy to er, practical, hands-on advice. Thankfully, I’m sure there’s the right dark-haired girl out there for me. And apart from that, there are six pharmacies in this neighbourhood….
swissmiss: And I’m sure they’ve slowed it down to how it used to be. I used to just hear “whoosh oder Apotheker.“
Ha ha ha when you mentioned the “Lesen Sie die Packungbeilage… usw” the memories all came flooding back.
I used to marvel at how the Germans would insist on being honest in these matters until it came to me being in the Uniklinik to have my Blinddam taken out, at which point they are obliged to tell you everything that could conceivably go wrong and what the probabilities are. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, I felt I might actually be better off taking my chances with the appendicitis rather than the certain death that appeared to be on after after they had told me very matter of factly “of course Herr Baron since you are Raucher and overweight you are in the high Risiko category. Do you have a next of kin in Deutschland?”
Haddock: I’ve got 100 tablets, so I can either go down to the Hauptbahnhof and sell them at €10 a go (although one can do this with aspirin too) or admit that so far the only side-effect that’s er, popped up, has been a bloated stomach.
So much for the “why not try and ask her out..all she can do is say no” line. She could say no and completely humiliate you afterwards. See, all of my fears from younger days had a basis in reality.
Good to see someone else out there is also a sucker for lanky brunettes. What’s the address of this Apotheke again?
Oh my. Seriously. That was a pre-emptive strike if I ever witnessed one. On the plus side however, she didn’t seem nasty about it, right?
I live in a city full of retirement homes. Oh what a rich lady I would be if you and I talked about how I can get a hold of said pills.
And it seems the Apothekerin was hitting on you, in a totally INdirect and subtle way.
(did that help you feel better at all?)
Very funny and interesting little glimpse into the male psyche. Makes you seem quite intrepid. Never, in a million years, would I have the guts to discuss that particular issue with someone I didn’t know, much less use it as a means of flirtation. Next time I’m waiting in line, I’ll be examining guys and wondering who’s hoping to get which hottie check out girl.
OMG!
:D
…can see u crimson faced/huge grant sheepishness more pronounced then EVER!
i never lose my keyboards over blogposts… however i came mighty close thanks to this one!!!
820: I wouldn’t call it complete humiliation, but it was well on the way.
leon: Look, just because every single girl I’ve even “gone out with” as they taught us to say at school, has had brown or black hair does not mean that I have a “thing” for women with dark hair. It was pure coincidence, the same thing goes for playing a classical instrument - I’d prefer cello, but flautists keep appearing.
Sin: It was (and this is the scary thing) really not meant nastily (I think). It was just typically blunt, direct Teutonic advice. She was right too.
Sandy: Well it is tips for the pathetically single, so I’m not sure if this is a standard practise.
Pramila: “Huge” Grant is a horrible comparison to make, and you know it!
I almost died laughing when I read that.
JESUSCHRISTZUPERSTAR!
that was a typo, honest!