In Actual Fact…

It’s not easy being a bloke. I’m sure that if you drew a Venn diagram of ‘blokes’, it might contain overlaps between ‘football hooligans’, ‘people who for all intents and purposes were educated in the Edwardian era.’ and people residing at Her Majesties Pleasure.
I’m in the second of that group, mostly because being a football hooligan seems a little dangerous and I was educated in “boy stuff”; Honour, sacrifice, discipline, cricket, Latin, the bits on the globe that were coloured pink, and heroes thereof.

I was reminded of this the weekend before last when Smeatonmania broke out. Now, I’m not sure exactly where Mr. Smeaton fits on the Bloke/hooligan/weird school Venn diagram – it’s probably a slightly different plot than mine, but the point is that when he saw what he thought was an accident, he went to help, and when he realised it wasn’t actually an accident, he, er, welcomed the visitors in the traditional Glasgwegian manner (“I was just stamping on his heid tae help put the flames oot”).
My revelation of blokeishness came in Gandolfi Fish when my hosts, looking through the wine list, pointed out that, “They do have beer, you know?”
And when walking across a common with The Girl.
Somehow, The Girl managed to transfer the conversation to rape and violent crime. What would happen, she asked, if we were set upon by someone with the intention of raping her?
“I have the business card of a good optician.” I replied.
Upon regaining consciousness a few minutes later, I decided to reign in the ‘humour’ and discuss this properly.
“If someone approached us and tried to rape you, I’d have to at least try to defend your honour, even if that probably getting a thorough beating - or, if I was successful - being arrested for harmingthe poor little darlings” She was amazed by this.
“But why wouldn’t you accept that you couldn’t do anything?” she asked.
“Why would you get killed rather than just let me be raped?”
“It’s the principle, don’t you see? It’s, well, it’s just because….”

I couldn’t find a reply at the time, but the answer seems pretty clear now. It’s because I’m a bloke. I’d guess at least 75% of men are. We have a pretty accurate list of what’s right and wrong and at some point in the future we may turn out to be useful….Oh and a note for suicide bombers… do try and get the suicide bit right, because the further north you go, the more the local populace are going to give you a helping hand.

Song playing as this was published: The Smiths - Louder Than Bombs.